An Unlikely Hero
by norman steve
Summary: The fate of humanity lies in the inept hands of a young man with chronic amnesia. Proof that the High Heavens have a sense of humour!
1. Chronic amnesia

Steve woke up to find himself in a large cavern without any recollection of how he got there. "Great, I'm lost". Ransacking his traveling bag, he found he had no food or water either. He then noticed a crimson stain on the right sleeve of his tunic. Worse, that stain seems to be growing at an alarming rate.  
  
He immediately took out his hunting knife and fashioned a crude bandage for his wound. "Excellent. I'm lost without food and water, I'm injured and I don't remember a single damn thing. Well, at least I'm still alive and I remember my name." Steve began giggling nervously to himself. "Yup, my name is er... erm.. Eve. Wait, that's a woman's name!"  
  
As he continued his musings ("Was it Keith, Miff, Leaf?!") he heard a thunderous shout nearby. Seconds later, he saw a group of strange looking creatures swarming into the cavern. They were small in stature and have a red-tinged complexion. Of course, Steve was in no position to appreciate such fine details. The only details that registered fully in his mind is that (1) These creatures had sharp-looking objects (2) They were advancing towards him in a decidedly hostile manner.  
  
Some detached irrational part of his mind was wondering that maybe these creatures came in peace and wanted to make friends with him. "You that one that kill all, you think you fool me in Tristram. You no give magic banner, you kill uglies, now you die!" one of the uglier critters declared.  
  
Steve had no idea what the critter was talking about but the last two words don't seem appealing. "Hah! You will die just like your uglies friends back in hisham! Die fool!!" Apparently, his bluff worked. The lead critter and his friends took a step back. Some of the misguided fools actually fled from him. Steve pretended to draw a non-existent sword from his non- existent scabbard and found his hands on a hard object on his belt.  
  
Not wanting to waste his opportunity, he threw the hard object in the general direction of the creatures. The creatures believing him to be a powerful being, cowered in fear. He laughed haughtily and took off like a little girl (and that's an insult to little girls everywhere).  
  
Unbeknownst to him, that hard object was a potion of fury. The creatures are demons. By default, demons are always angry. Being cheated and fooled makes them even more furious. Well, the potion ... I believe you got the idea. With inhuman cries the demons pursued their not so elusive quarry. Within seconds, they managed to narrow the distance to mere yards. In his haste, he somehow managed to miss the large stone like structure in front of him and so ran headlong into it. Upon impact, time slowed down and he found his vision shifting towards the cavern ceiling. Moments later, his consciousness wisely decided to abandon him.  
  
Fortunately for him, the structure that he ran into was actually a shrine. Inscribed onto its surface: "A circle of death". Upon contact, this mysterious shrine had somehow been activated and had released massive amounts of substances that were poisonous to demons but safe for humans. No one knows the exact purpose or mechanism directing these shrines but it has been agreed by almost all that they probably date back to the era of the Horadrim. It was also widely accepted that the poison emitted will prove fatal to any lesser demon.  
  
The demons caught in the mist of poison certainly had a first hand experience of that fact now. Most died within 5 seconds of contacting the poison. The demon Snotspill, the one that had earlier threatened Steve was spared as he had ran slower than the others and so was not in the radius of the mist. This was not because he had less stamina or speed. He had grown wary of this nameless man whom he had first encountered at Tristram. Not that he had any formidable skills like a sorcerer or a warrior. The man simply refused to die and stay dead. Strangely, none of the demons noticed that Steve was in fact lying just several yards from where they were.  
  
Any kind of thinking was too strenuous for Snotspill and so he bellowed to his "subordinates" that are still alive. "We see, we kill, he no leave with life next time. Now, we eat, we strong, we attacccks, we kill. Rakanishu!!". Having said that, the group of demons proceeded to munch on their fallen comrades. "Hmm... food taste funny...Hmm.." One of the more intellectual demons conjectured before falling face down on top of his 'meal'. And so it came to pass that all the demons except Snotspill died from food poisoning that day. On the verge of dying, Snotspill crawled his way out of the cavern into the wilderness to report the past events to Rakanishu, his leader.  
  
Meanwhile ....  
  
Steve woke up to find himself in a large cavern without any recollection of how he got there. "I'm lost". Groping around in his traveling bag, he found he had no food or water either. He then noticed a crimson stain on the right sleeve of his tunic. Worse, that stain seems to be growing at an alarming rate. (His wounds had reopened and the previous bandage lost somewhere)  
  
He immediately took out his hunting knife and fashioned a crude bandage for his wound. "Terrific. I'm lost without food and water, I'm injured and I don't remember a single damn thing. Well, at least I'm still alive and I know who I am ...I think .." Steve suddenly felt an overwhelming sense of dejavu that was lost when a group of war-like women approached him. Steve desperately searched for anything that he can use in case these people are out to kill him. His memory is surprisingly clear about the number of times people and demons tried to kill him. (An angel did threaten to kill him once but that was probably made up by his delusional mind)  
  
All that he found was an old amulet lying around in the dirt. As he was holding the amulet up in the air to inspect it, one of the women shouted, "Halt mighty wizard, we come in peace. We respectfully invite you to our encampment so that we may reward you properly for your valiant deeds. There is no need for you to use your powers against us."  
  
Steve had no idea what they were blabbering about. He looked around to get some clues as to the intents of these women. He did not particularly trust women. Especially those that are not trying to kill him. It's simply outside his experience, not that he remembered much of them.  
  
He was about to ask them some inane questions to stall them when he noticed the suspiciously inert forms about him. One or two of them looked human. Noticing his gaze, one of the roguish women said, "There's nothing you could have done for them. At least you avenged their deaths by killing their tormentors. There is another matter, these foul nameless demons have been terrorizing the countryside and you are the first person to have emerged victorious against so many of them, at the same time cleansing this Den Of Evil. In our customs, this grants you the right to name them."  
  
Scrutinizing the bodies of the demons, he saw that many of them are actually exist in pairs, one on top of the other. "Seems like they either fall on top of each other and died or they died out of exhaustion in some bizarre mating rituals... Either way..." Steve thought to himself in amusement.  
  
"Let's call them fallen ones..."  
  
Hi there, this is my first time writing anything, I hope you had as much fun reading it as I had writing it. If anyone wish for me to continue the story... Any other comments welcomed. Like I said, this is my first time, so give me a break by not flaming. Constructive criticisms welcomed.  
  
Norman 


	2. Hero's grand entrance

Hi there. Sorry for the late update. I will be faster in the future if you wish for me to continue. There may be a thing or two which may seem strange in this chapter. The 'mystery' if any should be explained in the subsequent chapters, which may upgrade the rating to R.  
  
Disclaimer: Only characters that are mine are Steve, Tristan and maybe Rayna. Everything else is Blizzard's. I don't own anything. I used to own myself but a group of warlike girls from campus ensnared me. Now I am forced to sit in front of a pc writing fanfics in my underwear to please my dark mistresses. sob  
  
On with the story! :)   
  
"Fallen ones indeed! I am Rayna and my sister-in-arms here is called Amplissa. As you may already have guessed, we are both sisters from the Order of the Sightless Eye," the taller of the two offered. "I'm Steve," Steve replied surprised at the fact he can finally recall his name. Amplissa blushed. Rayna looked at Steve's crotch while licking her lips. Steve had some vague idea that something wasn't quite right.  
  
"Please, we will be glad if you will follow us back to our dwellings. I must admit it's not much but it's at least better than here," Amplissa said breaking the awkward moment. Steve warily accepted the offer. In his experience, women were far more dangerous than demons. Well, at least male demons anyway. There was that time with the succubus.... Steve shuddered. Some things were best left forgotten.  
  
The three of them then made their way out of the cavern and into the surface world. From there, they began their journey back to the rogues' camp. Somewhere along the way, Steve had managed to acquire an edible looking mushroom. Feeling hungry, Steve took a bite. It was surprisingly delicious. 'Hmm... That's some weird aftertaste...' was Steve's last thought before he collapsed to the ground. (The mushroom eaten by Steve was called 'knockout' by the locals for a good reason)  
  
The rogues oblivious to the plight of their new comrade continued on believing that he was behind them all the time....  
  
"How did you manage to lose the man?! Did some demon hit you so hard on the head that you have lost all your wits?!" Akara cast her furious gaze at Rayna. "You Amplissa, have you somehow misplaced your eyes while fighting the demons?!" Akara gave a scathing look to Amplissa.  
  
"Be that as it may, there is naught for us to do about it now. There are still many adventurers about in our camp. Your task is to gather all of them and assemble them outside my tent on the morrow at dawn. Dismissed." Akara ordered. Rayna and Amplissa gave a curt nod and quickly escaped from Akara's tent.  
  
"You are all gathered here to be made aware of ill tidings. Kasha's scouts have reported that Blood Raven, our once celebrated captain has arisen again as a minion of evil and even now gathers her undead armies to strike at us. At the height of her strength, this encampment will surely fall. We have but one hope, and that is to assassinate her now while she is still weak." At this there were sounds of protests from those around her. However, before Akara can speak again...  
  
"To arms! To arms! The camp is under attack!!" The cry was taken up by several others. In a moment, all the inhabitants; rogues, adventurers and mercenaries alike have gathered outside the entrance of the encampment. Even the staunchest hearts amongst them quailed at the sight before them. Several legions of undead were advancing menacingly towards them. Were it just the decaying zombies, they may yet hope to prevail. Alas, it was not so for overtaking the ranks of zombies were numerous hordes of malicious skeletons wielding maces, swords, axes and even bows.  
  
The hundred or so defenders have the advantage of range but are outnumbered at least twenty to one. And still the undead continued to pour forth from the horizon. The humans knew that the battle is over before it has even begun. A lone rogue tried to run away into the wilderness to save herself. She was struck down by a hail of arrows before she had taken but ten strides. Death was but a certainty for the beleaguered defenders.  
  
Steve woke up to find himself to an extremely unpleasant situation. First, he was thoroughly soaked in mud, but he never was a vain man so it was but a minor complain. Secondly, he had no idea where he was, but this was a common occurrence for him so he had gotten used to it. Finally, he seems to be in the midst of an endless sea of undead horrors. Strangely, they had not attacked him as yet.  
  
The zombies trudged on, ignoring what they had assumed to be an oddly- shaped log but a log nonetheless and therefore inedible. The skeletons charged on, the red light in their eye sockets gleaming maniacally in anticipation of the carnage to come, ignoring the "log". And so it came to pass that the entire undead army did not notice Steve in his armor of mud....  
  
The leader of the army however was more observant and recognized Steve for what he was. "Join my army of the dead!" Blood Raven howled in glee. Steve, realizing that he had been found, sprang forth from his place of hiding and confronted the fearsome creature. He then said "Look behind you. A flying pig!"  
  
Blood Raven turned her head to look behind and discovered nothing amiss. Realizing the ruse played upon her, she unleashed a volley of arrows towards the fleeing man. In his haste, Steve had stumbled upon a rock and crashed into the ground. An arrow wheezed past where he was but a moment ago. In desperation, Steve hurled the amulet he found at the face of the abomination. The undead captain still had the reflexes she possess in life and easily avoided the poorly aimed missile. The amulet landed silently behind her.  
  
Instead of lying still, as it should, the amulet began to vibrate and amazingly, was sucking in the earth around it. Rivers of soil continued to rally to the amulet until the amulet itself was no longer visible. Ever faster the mound grew until in the space of a heartbeat, it has grown to 7 feet tall and had assumed a somewhat humanoid shaped.  
  
It moved.  
  
"There's something moving behind you!" Steve shouted, too amazed to take his eyes off the creature to look at the arrow aimed at his heart. Besides, he had stared defiantly in the face of Death countless times before (read as: had sprinted off while looking back occasionally to make sure that Death is not catching up on him.)  
  
"Do you take me for a fool?! Die insolent one!" Black Raven bellowed. Before she could release the arrow, she noticed a great shadow dwarfing her own. She stole a glance over her shoulders out of curiosity. She saw a mighty fist made of clay rapidly enlarging to encompass her view. Then she saw no more...  
  
Steve stood fascinated as he saw the clay humanoid pound the former undead leader into the ground even though it was obvious that she was a dead undead. Not even an undead can take that much abuse. Without warning, the mangled body of Blood Raven convulsed and brilliant arcs of energy lanced forth in all directions from her body...  
  
The battle was fast in danger of becoming a rout for the inhabitants of the camp. Tristan Truefaith had little hope of seeing the next sunrise. It was true that they had beaten back this wave with no casualties but a mere glance told him that they could not last long. The wooden palisade has been breached. The sea of undead had become an ocean. They may well be sandcastles erected to stop a tsunami.  
  
Tristan shook himself vigorously off of such thoughts. He was a Paladin of Travincal, the City Of Light, of the Truefaith house. Were he to die, he shall make the enemy pay dearly for his life. With that thought in his mind, he did not wait for the abominations, but instead charged valiantly forward, with his shield held high and his spirits higher still.  
  
Seeing his example, those around him grew bold and followed his lead. (Even the rogues, for though their skill in archery was almost unsurpassed, their supply of arrows had long been depleted.)  
  
The impact of his momentum caused the head of a skeleton to be severed from its body without preamble. Not wanting to lose the initiative, Tristan managed to stun another skeleton with his shield before following up with an overhead chop of his broadsword that caused his adversary's bony head to split in half. Before a mace-wielding skeleton could enter the fray, Tristan summoned his life energy and with his will shaped it into a bolt of pure faith.... The skeleton perished upon contact with the shining globe of energy. Finding himself out of opponents temporarily, Tristan paused to survey the tide of battle..... except that the battle had become a skirmish! The majority of the undead had fallen, disintegrated by wayward arcs of lightning that coursed through the ground. There was yet hope for the humans seemed unaffected by them! With renewed vigour, Tristan joined his comrades to finish off the remaining threat.  
  
A great shout of victory resounded in the camp. The victory was made even sweeter by the incredulous fact that the humans did not suffer even a single casualty. There were several that were gravely injured including the young rogue that had tried to escape at the start of battle, but they should recover in time.  
  
None of them had any idea of where the strange surge of energy that had allowed them to prevail had come from. Also, there still remains the threat of Blood Raven sending an even greater army to eradicate them in her wrath. These two thoughts weighed heavily on the mind of Kasha, martial leader of the rogues.  
  
"Akara, we must heal the wounded quickly and erect defenses for the threat that is Blood Raven still looms. We must....," the words died in her mouth. When Akara looked askance at her, she could only point her finger to the entrance of the camp. By now, several others had seen the pair and these quickly urged those nearest to look upon them. Soon, the entire camp was watching with guarded interest the pair of humanoids made of the earth itself.  
  
Both of the creatures seemed to be made of mud, soil, rocks and such things as can be found in the Earth. The only difference was that one was human sized whereas the other was gigantic and was holding what seemed to be a corpse in its arms.  
  
The smaller of the two stepped forward and said........ or rather tried to say something, for at that moment, the thin mud covering its feet made it lose balance and hence, Steve made a hero's grand entrance by falling flat on his face. The clay golem faithfully followed his master's example, thinking that it must be a form of greeting amongst humans....  
  
There. I hope you enjoyed it. It's my school holidays and I've got a bit of time to spare. I intend to write about twenty or so chapters if I know that people are reading my work. Have a nice day. 


	3. Skirt

_Thank you all for your kind reviews. Been a bit stuck in expressing the characters even though the characterizations are fully developed in my mind. Enough of my ramblings! Enjoy!

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_"I do believe that these two come in peace. The larger one is a clay golem, while the other is a man covered with mud", Tristan observed.  
  
"Yes, yes I believe you're right.... Wait, that's Blood Raven and she's slain!" Kasha exclaimed.  
  
"Quickly, bring these two to my tent for healing. We must know more of this!" Akara motioned to some of the nearby rogues.

* * *

Steve woke up to find himself in (surprise!) unfamiliar surroundings. He startled when he saw a hideous looking demon towering over him. "Away with you demon!" Steve shouted. The demon was surprised at this sudden outburst, but came to its senses swiftly. "No demons here outlander," the demon said tersely.  
  
On second glance, Steve discovered that it was not a demon, but the woman was outstandingly ugly all the same. In fact, most of the demons he had met looked more attractive. "I'm Kasha. How did you defeat Blood Raven?" Kasha demanded. Steve recounted the incidents leading to the demise of the demon. "Beginner's luck," Kasha declared. "You may go."  
  
Steve promptly left the room with such haste as to put a teleport spell to shame. Kasha shrugged, outlanders were always eccentric and well... outlandish.  
  
Steve noticed when he was outside the tent was that his armor of mud was gone. He wondered if Kasha was the one who changed his clothes. The image of Kasha and him (nude) came unbidden to his mind.... It was a most unpleasant thought.  
  
He looked about his new environment. Slowly, he realized that it was the rogue encampment, and with that realization, he remembered past events more clearly.  
  
While he was mucking about the encampment, a man approached him. Even with his armor caked with mud and dried blood, Steve could still feel the charisma the man radiated. At 6 feet tall, every muscle well toned and a face that seemed to have been chiseled, Tristan looked every part the dashing warrior. That he had deep blue eyes and long brown flowing hair didn't hurt his image either.  
  
"Good day to you. I am Tristan Truefaith." The warrior greeted. Steve returned the greeting. After all the formalities, Tristan said "As you may well know, the true leader of the assault against us is not Blood Raven, but rather the Andariel, Maiden of Anguish. As long as she lives, we are all in peril. Join me! Together, we may defeat Andariel. By the Light, we may yet triumph over the darkness!"  
  
Steve instantly felt pity for the man. Anyone who said 'By the Light, we may yet triumph over the darkness!' was in dire need of a good kick to the head. The last man who actually said that, if he remembered correctly, said so right before he plunged a sharp red stone into his own forehead. These people were clearly insane. Thinking quickly he replied, "I'm sorry. I should stay here to help protect these people. I have absolute faith in your abilities to slay Andariel alone." Tristan looked disappointed for a moment but recovered instantly. "Then I wish you luck hero. I will begin the hunt for Andariel on the morrow. May the Light be with you." Steve had a feeling that Tristan would be seeing the Light very soon.

* * *

Rayna was depressed. Unlike the other young rogues who were engrossed with their training, Rayna was obsessed with men. It was the firm opinion of Amplissa, her best friend, that she had more hormones than entire families of rabbits combined.  
  
It was most unfortunate then that there were no available men in the whole encampment. Warriv the merchant and the few mercenaries around were all happily married and loyal to their wives. Tristan was too pious and had sworn celibacy until the prime evils were defeated. Steve the newcomer was rumored to be afraid of women.  
  
That left her with Gheed. Even though she was absolutely desperate, even she had some standards. Her boyfriend needed to be at least human and Gheed, as everyone knew, was a pig. 'Twenty summers and still single,' Rayna lamented. Thinking about the men made her blood boil with lust. She stole a glance at Amplissa. Her best friend was sound asleep. Rayna then did what she always did every night when her urges were too strong to ignore. She undid her outer garments. Then, her inner ones...

* * *

When Akara entered her tent, she took in everything at once, from Rayna's suspiciously wet skirt to Amplissa's watery eyes to Steve's uncombed hair. She sighed. And these were supposed to be her champions to recover the scroll. Kasha had already told her of how the young man had triumphed over Blood Raven and frankly she was not impressed. She feared that she may be sending them to their deaths. However, she had no one left to do this errand.  
  
"Good morning. I have summoned you here to ask a favor of you. I need you to retrieve an item for me. This item can be found in the Dark Forest in the Tree of Inifuss. Should you accept, I will give you this map. In it, are all the details of the mission."  
  
"Honour is its own reward, we accept priestess," the rogues intoned simultaneously. Steve felt a surge of resentment towards the rogues. Steve had an innate ability for these sort of circumstances and had discerned the true nature of the offer. It was: 'I'm sending you to certain death. As a bonus, the demons will probably torture and rape you before killing and eating you. Do you accept this suicidal mission?' In his opinion, being chopped up into little pieces was NOT honorable. "No. If it's all the same to you, I'd like to keep my hide intact thank you very much."  
  
Akara looked as if she had expected his decision all along. Rayna and especially Amplissa looked crestfallen. They had believed that Steve was their savior ever since their first encounter. Steve tried his best from staring into their eyes. "Look, there's no way you can convince me to kill myself. Absolutely no way," Steve shook his head resolutely.

* * *

Memory and perception were very strange things. Steve distinctly remembered walking back to his small tent to laze around. He was certain that he had made up his mind about leaving the two stupid rogues to their deaths. It's not like he cared for others anyway. Since his mind was made up, it must have been his feet that had betrayed him for he was now with the said rogues on a fool's errand. 'Brilliant, no weapons, no armor. Genius! Well done Steve!' Steve thought bitterly to himself. Thankfully, his golem Pulp (Steve was inspired by the way it beat Blood Raven into a pulp) accompanied them.  
  
The party did not meet any demons on their journey. Not even when they had to traverse the underground passage that leads directly to their destination; the Dark Forest. A lesser man may be fooled into a false sense of safety by the lack of action but Steve knew better. Being the pessimist that he was, he expected that it was only the calm before the storm. It was only a matter of time...  
  
"Look, I've found the tree!" Amplissa yelled heartily, while jumping up and down. "Quiet. You'll attract attention," Rayna whispered urgently. "Too late for that now. Run girls!" Steve shouted, taking his own advice to heart.  
  
Steve watched in horror as three gargantuan beasts closed in on the rogues. The walking masses of fur and muscles must have been hiding behind the huge tree all along. In a feat of agility, (considering it's a golem) Pulp tackled the largest furball headlong at the midriff. The two behemoths sailed fifty paces to land somewhere behind the Inifuss tree.  
  
Rayna immediately sprinted away from the creatures. Amplissa, however, stood rooted to the ground. Her fear had made her paralyzed. Steve saw the two remaining giants approach her with log-sized arms raised. Steve, a master of desperate measures called out to the creatures, "Yoma tat babe. Sina Yoma aye tat babe kese yoma tatin yomatu!! Yaoi bastardo!" He had heard a warrior shout it when he was surrounded by a legion of demons. Steve figured that it must have been an offer to surrender.  
  
(What the beasts heard)  
  
"You screw pigs. Or you would be if you weren't screwing each other!! Gay bastards!"  
  
The beasts stopped dead in their tracks. They fixed their eyes on Steve and walked deliberately towards him, their eyes bloodshot with the promise of death. 'It seemed that they did not agree to the terms of surrender whatever they were,' Steve thought. Fortunately for Steve, he had one strategy that had always worked. It was called 'run like hell'.  
  
Steve led the beasts on a merry-go-round about the impossibly huge Inifuss tree. Occasionally, he would glance at Pulp and his sparring partner. Apparently, things were at a stalemate with each pummeling the other without much effect. Sometimes, he would scream profanities at the rogues while urging them to do something. Mostly though, he concentrated on his running. He was on excellent form at that moment; his mad sprint was desperation at its most expressive. Steve had indeed found inspiration every time he looked back at the charging monsters. Steve cursed the beasts, Akara, the two rogues and the universe in general while he ran.  
  
At length, the two rogues had awakened from their stupor. They sent a volley of arrows into Steve's pursuers but they merely shrugged it off. It seemed that they had a very thick hide. After launching several more volleys to no effect, the girls panic. Steve's little marathon was going to come to a brutal end unless they tried something new.  
  
An absurd idea just hit Rayna. Absurd, but it may be their last chance. Rayna told Amplissa, "Keep firing at them. I'm going to try something." To Steve, Rayna hollered, "Take off your pants Steve! Don't argue, just do it!"  
  
"Rayna, as your best friend, I know you are desperate but I really don't think this is the time or place..."  
  
"Just continue your shooting. Trust me. I know what I'm doing... I think" Rayna replied. Amplissa bit her lip and shook her head but did as instructed.  
  
Steve wondered if the rogue had finally lost her mind. But seeing how close the furballs were and no other alternatives in sight, Steve attempted the impossible stunt. The next step he took, he placed both feet together and jumped as high and as far forward as he can. In midair, he tucked in his knees to his chest and with both hands forcefully yanked his trousers down and threw it behind him. The projectile glided in the air landing right in the leading beast's eyes. The creature, temporarily blinded by the unconventional weapon halted allowing his brethren to run into him. The furballs fell to the ground. One atop the other.  
  
Rayna had heard that experienced rogues could infuse the spirit of fire into their arrows by channeling their fiery emotions. Rayna was taught to channel her anger into her missile by her instructors but the flame created was hardly more than a spark each time she trained. Today, Rayna decided to channel an entirely different emotion, one she knew she had with great abundance.  
  
She concentrated on Steve half-naked frame. Her mouth began to water as her nocked arrow glowed bright red. Soon her thoughts became wilder... as her imagination went into overdrive. Years of frustration poured forth from her being. She let loose the arrow.  
  
The arrow continued to glow ever brighter as it coursed through the air. By the time it reached the two monsters that had just sorted themselves, it was too bright to look at. There was a flash of brilliance that momentarily turned the dusk to dawn. When it subsided, the two beasts were no more. A small crater in the ground had replaced them. The scent of ozone and something sweet wafted through the air.  
  
Pulp rejoined the party. Apparently, the greater furball was intimidated by the Rayna's raw display of power and had fled. Steve did not bother searching for his trousers, it must have been disintegrated. Steve felt extremely grateful that he remembered to wear his underwear today. He grabbed the large Inifuss scroll from the bark of the tree and wore it around his waist like a skirt, earning incredulous looks from his companions. Pulp, always the loyal servant ripped a section of the tree's bark and followed his master's example.

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_Another chapter done. Hope you enjoyed it. Please review if you can spare the time. Praises, tips, comments welcomed. Criticisms and death threats welcomed. _


	4. Out of the frying pan Into the tower

_Hello again! Sorry for late update... again. Thank you so much to everyone for reviewing, giving compliments, comments and even threats! It seemed that a couple of you like Pulp. Sorry to say he won't appear much in this chapter, though he will be around in the subsequent chapters... There is some implied violence and innuendo, but certainly nothing that can be remotely considered as R material. Thanks again for reading and reviewing  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own anything other than the characters that I've created on my own. The Diablo universe is owned by Blizzard. Oh... and I also happen to own a brain, a few dollars and some clean underwear..._

_

* * *

_Steve felt absurd wearing the scroll. Amplissa was grinning while Rayna was laughing out loud. He would have been comforted by the fact that in a different universe, there used to be heroic warrior men wearing skirts marching bravely to war, usually to the accompaniment of music from bagpipes.  
  
"You that one that kill all...," A voice called behind them. "Not again...," Steve groaned. "Quick, use the town portal you told me about." Amplissa replied meekly, "Erm... I forgot to mention that I... erm... forgot to bring one." Amplissa began to cry "We're going to die and it's all my fault. I'm so sorry..."  
  
There was nowhere left to run from the horde of fallen that had surrounded them while they were unaware. They seemed to be led by a fallen that seemed to be vaguely familiar. "It's alright... I am a veteran of ambushes such as this. I strongly recommend surrender."  
  
"They'll spare our lives?" Rayna arched her eyebrow. "No, they'll probably torture us and do some... ahh... things to you two. You know... err... male and female... yeah. But look on the bright side. We get to live longer. If we're lucky, maybe even a day longer!" Optimism never was one of Steve's strong points.  
  
"No talk! Die die die die die!" Snotspill shouted. An underling whispered something to him. "Yess, yess the Countess wants them. Snotspill brings them to tower. Yess. Follow!" He signaled with his middle finger for the party to follow him.  
  
After some time walking, Steve surmised that they were being led to the foreboding tower that could be seen in the distance. Along the way, some of the fallen leered at Rayna. She ogled right back at the demons and favored them with enough obscene gestures to make a succubus blush. The fallen ones looked uncomfortably at each other and edged away from her. There was soon a large empty circle centered on the attractive rogue.  
  
A large structure resembling a sunken minaret loomed before the procession. Soon they were ushered none too gently into the said structure. "You go down that ladder or we attackss! You no leave with life." Snotspill waved his short sword menacingly. Being outnumbered and weaponless (except for Pulp, whose very body is a weapon of mass destruction) the companions had to comply.  
  
Immediately upon descending into a gloomy corridor, a make-shift barricade was created to seal their entrance, plunging the heroes into complete darkness. sob sob "Is that you Amplissa? There, there...," Steve placed his hand around the shoulder of 'Amplissa' to comfort her. Unfortunately, without any light source, he ended up squeezing her... chest instead of her shoulder as he intended. "Why Lisa, I never realized you thought of me in that way," the voice of Rayna responded. What felt like a hand was busy groping Steve. He retracted his hand as though it burned. "Erm.. sorry about that Rayna. Steve here" Steve promptly stepped away from where he guessed Rayna was.  
  
Suffice to say that much chaos ensued. After they had somewhat settled down and Rayna had fondled everyone (herself and Pulp included), Steve managed to sort everyone out by forming a circle, holding hands and have everyone except Pulp repeat their names.  
  
"Right then. Rayna here. Steve is on my left and Pulp is to the right."  
  
"Erm... I'm Amplissa. Left is pulp. Steve, is that you on my right?"  
  
"No... Hmm... There's five here. But there's only four of us. Hmm..." The person on his left giggled. "Oh dear..."

* * *

The countess sneered. It had been no challenge at all capturing the incompetent fools. The darkness posed no difficulties for her and her minions' attuned eyes. Since the golem was staring stupidly at nothing, she had easily hit each of the humans over the head and dragged them away. Now they lay delightfully strapped in her torture chamber. She wondered briefly if Snotspill's information was correct. The pathetic clowns did not fit her mental image of the heroes that had not only prevailed against the Den but also Blood Raven. Not to mention that one of them was a cross-dresser.  
  
Steve examined her captor. Flowing black tresses, thin high eyebrows, aquiline nose, thin crimson lips. Her body was sleek and the revealing clothes she wore made her very appealing indeed. If not for her eyes that was. The demonic taint was evident in eyes that literally glowed with a lust for violence. Besides, he had sworn not to get involved in any relationship with women. Especially those that are looking forward to ending his precious (at least to him) existence.  
  
He wanted to contact his golem but realized that he shared no mental connection with Pulp whatsoever. With little hope of assistance from Pulp, he decided to examine his prison. There was a staggering array of torture implements around him. He also noticed that there were three others in the room sharing his plight. There were the two rogues and a solitary fallen.  
  
"Here for a blood bath, morsels? Don't even think of escape! I don't know how you fools slew Blood Raven but you can be assured that this will be your home for the rest of your miserable lives. So you may want to explore a bit... Oh you can't! That's so sad..." the demon informed them cheerfully in a feminine voice. "And by the way, I drink virgin blood so I must kill you girls... after I've had my fun. Don't worry manly man; we won't let the poor lil gals go to hell alone, would we? Course not, shame on you manly man. But first I will have to remove certain parts of you. Guess that skirt suits you after all huh? Hehe." The countess smiled wickedly.  
  
Steve reflected bitterly on his dismal luck with members of the opposite sex. While other men were often disappointed that the women they were chasing did not show interest in them, the situation was usually the reverse for him. Even with his faulty memory, he could remember dozens of times when there were women chasing after him. Generally they did so with some kind of weapon. The cleaver seemed to be a favourite...  
  
"Leave... leave him alone! I... If you harm any of my friends I swear I'll kill you... you... you witch! Amplissa stammered.  
  
"Ooh... And we have a first contestant. Since I'm feeling magnanimous today, I'll let you choose your pain. Well then little girl, shall it be the rack or the iron maiden? Or do you want me to just gut you right now?!"  
  
Amplissa bravely held back the tears that threatened to spill forth from her. She never considered herself a warrior maiden. She was often ridiculed for being such a coward. "Don't worry Lisa, we'll get out of here, I promise," Rayna consoled her friend.  
  
"Don't go anywhere... I'm going out. You know, people to kill and places to raze. I'll be back." The countess strutted out of the chamber.  
  
The being known as Perv heard the grim banter and shook his head when the villain left her four victims. Villains were such idiots. If he were her, he would just kill them all without ceremony. It was most fortunate that his tormentor did not know his true identity. For Perv's profession makes him far more dangerous than any fallen. The forbidden knowledge he possessed would have driven most beings' minds to oblivion. Only the most demented could possibly cope with the tomes he had read to achieve his level of mastery..... The mathematician known as Perv applied his considerable expertise to his current predicament.

* * *

_Hmm... 4 chapters so far. Hope you like what you've read. No insult intended to Scotsmen, fallen ones, math and cheerleaders (the Countess was based on the airhead cheerleader archetype) Please review so I can know that there exist people reading this. Thanks. _


	5. Duel

_Its been 3 months… Its my semester break once again so you can expect faster updates from me. I've made minor changes to the past 4 chapters… grammatical errors and such. There are many things within the story that has links/similarities or phrases from other imaginary universes (Eg: Steve is based on a certain character… an inept wizzard). See if you can spot them all. And there will be more action, less humour in this chapter, for variety's sake.

* * *

_

With a deft flicking motion, Perv activated the weird device on his wrist. A beam of concentrated light materialized and cut through his chains with ease. Perv straightened his attire and brushed some imaginary dust off it.

"Foul beast! If you don't release me I'll…"

"You'll do what dear lady?" Perv cut the boisterous rogue short. "But it has always been my pleasure to aid those in distress, especially one so pretty as yourself." He flashed a disarming smile and immediately used the magical item to free his fellow captives.

"Erm… maybe you shouldn't lead her on, I mean… You never know what might happen."

"Silly girl! I'm not THAT desperate… yet"

"Ahem… In any case, perhaps we should leave now BEFORE our host returns" Perv suggested forcefully.

"Foul beast! How do I know I can trust you? How do I know that you won't take advantage of us? You are after all a demon!" Rayna suddenly felt stupid for her actions, it was obvious that the demon could have killed them or worse instead of releasing them. "Ah… okie dokie, you win… so what's the plan?"

"The plan was to slowly torture you to death! But now, I guess I'll have to make do with just skewering you! Get them my minions!"

A dozen women of similar attire to the Countess swarmed into the torture chamber; their scimitars ready to slice the companions into minced meat. Steve was surprised when he found himself trying to defend the rogues with his bare hands. For his troubles, he was stabbed in his right shoulder, kicked in the groin and shoved aside. The rogues, having had little training in unarmed combat, were barely able to keep the blades from scoring as they dodged this way and that.

A saber whose blade was made of pure energy appeared in Perv's right hand. Seeing this, some of the minions rushed him, hoping to overwhelm him with pure numbers. Perv made a diagonal slash. The lead attacker tried to parry but the saber simply cut through her weapon and into her abdomen. She howled in agony but was quickly silenced when Perv chopped off her head. He succeeded in dispatching two more, but the third assailant's attack connected with his throat. Gurgling some blood, he collapsed on the floor.

The Countess was truly enjoying herself, the hopelessness of the rogues' situation was giving her an almost sexual pleasure. She gave a cruel grin that turned into an expression of pain as she felt something large hit her skull from behind. The impact sent her several feet forward into her lackeys. She immediately sprang back onto her feet.

"Ah… Noble paladin, how good of you to present yourself for my amusement… I shall enjoy torturing you very much… And not even that ridiculous golem by your side can stop me"

The demented woman then waved her arm and a wall of fire sprung into being at Tristan's exact location. He rolled forward and so escaped from the fire's searing heat. Pulp was not as quick and a large portion of him melted off before he could be free from the fiery spell. Even so, Pulp still had no problems in acquainting the Countess' friend's to his mighty fists. Within moments, the Countess was standing alone, fending off a determined Tristan. Her dead minions were hardly recognizable from the wanton abuse Pulp favoured them with.

By now, the Countess was beginning to feel fear. Perhaps she had underestimated these fools. No matter, she could easily dispose of them by herself. Thinking so, she unleashed a dazzling barrage of attacks on Tristan. Even with his skills, he found himself on the defensive, with many of the thrusts hitting their marks. Were it not for his armor, he would have been finished by now.

Pulp rushed to assist the warrior. Seeing this, the Countess used her remaining magical reserves to conjure a blazing barrier, separating them from everyone else in the chamber. "Now, its just us two darling, isn't it romantic?"

"Save your breath fiend, you'll need it for your death cry!"

"Surely you wouldn't hurt an unarmed woman now would you? I'll do anything you ask me to… Anything at all." She grinned seductively and threw away her scimitar. Swiftly closing the few yards between them, she placed her arms around his armored waist.

Tristan was at a loss. Another man would have easily reached the decision to just kill the whore, but the Code of Paladins forbid the killing of an unarmed combatant.

"Kill her Tristan! She's not a woman, she's not even human anymore!" Rayna shouted, trying to get some sense into the bewildered man.

He hesitated, the woman was breathtakingly beautiful up close… While he was distracted, the Countess was wasting no time in unlocking the clasps and bolts of his plate mail. With one swift yank, the whole suit came off, leaving Tristan extremely vulnerable.

Thankfully, years of training kicked in, and Tristan immediately realized her deception… but not before she snatched his long sword.

The duel began anew… This time, Tristan was left with only his shield and the treacherous woman was using his own long sword against him. Her dozen or so strikes were so fast that they seemed to be executed at the same time to the desperate Tristan. His best hope was to simply block her attacks and counter with his kite shield when the opportunity presented itself. The countess lunged, with Tristan backing away. After several more forced retreats, he realized that his back had hit a wall. Here, the countess abandoned all finesse and used brute force instead. She continually made overhead chops at the paladin. All too soon, he realized that she was tiring him out by forcing him to use his shield all the time. The impacts were also causing painful jolts to his arm.

The desperate nature of the situation gave him a brilliant idea and he thanked the heavens fervently. He tried to guess when the next attack would occur and readied himself. His judgment was true. He sidestepped just as the sword was about to hit his shield, spinning with the momentum, he brought the shield's edge onto her sword arm. She involuntarily released the weapon. Regaining her equilibrium almost instantly, she used her left hand and grabbed Tristan's shield hand and exerted force on the pressure point between his thumb and palm. The sudden pain made him lose his shield. In response, he swiftly placed a gauntleted fist into her jaw, causing her to stumble back. He attempted to reach for the fallen sword, but the Countess was there first and kicked it into the raging fire. She did the same to the shield.

"Now you will experience first hand why no mere man can defeat me… Hehe" She stretched languidly and cracked her fingers. When she came, Tristan had difficulty even determining her general position. One moment, she was in front of him moving as though to punch his face. By the time he realized the feint, she was already behind him, applying a brief choke hold to his neck, before kicking the back of his knees. On his knees now, Tristan was helpless… The relentless assault continued on his kidneys, neck, abdomen… almost every part of his body. He was not even pretending to block now, his arms limp at his side from too much pain… As a final insult, she rammed her feet into his crotch a dozen times in quick succession… The paladin fell forward without a sound.

Retrieving her scimitar, she placed it on the fallen paladin's jugular… But she decided that the self-righteous worm should not deserve a merciful end. Straddling the hapless man, she proceeded to randomly hit various parts of him as she saw fit. Every time he tried to push himself up, she would sit down heavily on his kidneys, foiling the attempt.

Steve, Pulp and the rogues could not see the outcome of the battle as the fires had obscured their view completely, and could only pray that the sudden silence on the other side meant victory for Tristan… But somehow Steve doubted it…

* * *

_Is this the end for our unlikely heroes? Only one way to find out… _

_I realize that there may be some technical errors here as I'm not that familiar with medieval and unarmed combat, so I'll appreciate it if you could point those out. The subsequent chapters will have more humour than this one… I'm just writing this to gauge your reactions… Kindly feedback your views. Thanks!_


	6. Minor misdemeanour

_Disclaimer: I do not own anything in the Diablo universe, save for the characters I created myself, this is the last time I'm mentioning it._

_Btw, the Countess in this story is not a demon, just a corrupted woman with superhuman speed and agility… _

The Countess howled in glee as she pressed her claw-like nails against the warrior's throat. Suddenly, she realized that she was now looking at her own headless body… She was unable to draw any conclusions however as death was quick to claim this one life that had eluded its grasp for so long.

Perv grabbed the woman's head, in one hand, the other still holding his awesome saber of light. "Like I said, you villains are too predictable. Don't be mad… You don't want to lose your head now do you?" Perv felt awkward insulting the lifeless head and lobbed it into the inferno, grinning at the irony of it. Still wearing an amused expression, he collapsed on the floor, beside the comatose paladin.

Steve was still contemplating the fate of his friend when the fires mysteriously subsided. With the obstacle gone, he could clearly see the outcome of the duel… The first thing that registered on his mind was the fact that the Countess now lacked a head. The second fact that dawned upon him was that his manhood was in agony and that he should have fainted long ago from the pain, were it not for the excitement. The third and final thing he saw was the darkness of oblivion.

"Wow! Looks like all the guys are knocked out huh Rayna? Good thing I'm still around to protect them from you… I mean you never know what…"

"Oh my! Look out Lisa! Behind you."

"Huh?" Amplissa turned her back to Rayna. Rayna gave a swift chop to the back of her friend's neck, causing the other rogue to drop wordlessly.

"Sorry Lisa, but I've waited too long for this"

Only one witness left… Pulp. Luckily, the golem did not make any hostile gesture… In fact, it seemed to be awaiting her orders. Her logical mind told her that she's insane for knocking out her buddy and that she should be thinking of a way out of this mess, but her body told her that she's wasting time thinking when she should be fondling the gorgeous paladin instead. "Decisions, decisions… hmm…"

Her decision was made for her however, when the body of the Countess combust into an impromptu funeral pyre. A white mist was seen escaping from the shattered mortal shell and making its way to the large metal chest in a corner of the room. Upon contact, the mist dissipate and the chest violently flung itself open, spilling its contents all over the room. Something hit Rayna on her face. Catching the troublesome item before it reached the ground, she discovered that it was a portal that she could use to transport her party (Commonly called a 'town portal') back to the encampment… A lusty smile formed on her lovely face…

"Ah… No time like the present… Pulp, kindly guard me while I ah… administer some ahh… … assistance to our fallen friends." The golem dutifully obeyed.

"Now then, lets see what you're hiding under all that cumbersome armor… I wonder what a holy staff looks like…"

_A little short I admit, but necessary for the plot to continue. Will update soon. Also, I would be happy if the reader can point out any grammatical errors as English is not my native language._


	7. Indispensable golem

_A/N: First things first, I'm surprised no one has pointed this out yet, but it seems to me that my character's dialogue lack a certain consistency of personality. I'll be sure to revise this in the future, but for now, I can't seem to find a proper tone of voice for them. Any advice would be welcome. Thanks._

Akara looked wistfully at the Inifuss scroll in her hand. It had been a long time since she last saw her old friend Cain. Were she to give in to her feelings, she would set out to Tristram at this very moment. Alas, being the leader of her people, she cannot do as she pleased. It will have to fall upon Rayna and Amplissa again to ensure Cain's safety, if he was still alive that is.

Akara went through the weird tale that Rayna told her, before she lost consciousness from exhaustion. Fantastic as it may sound, a fallen had actually helped them and saved their lives. Her mind made up, she decided to send all of them to fetch Cain.

* * *

"Why did you help us, demon? I do not trust your kind."

Perv carefully shaped his reply. "Ever since I was created in the Burning Hells, I have always felt out of place with my demonic brethren. Amongst the demons, I am unique, for I have been cursed by the High Heavens with a conscience." Perv paused a moment.

"Somehow, I managed to escape into your realm. I discovered that I was hunted down by everyone who saw me, and none would hesitate to kill me on sight…. except the priests of Rathma. They took me under their wing and I was glad to take refuge in their city. They even gave me several tomes of their teachings. I'm not sure how the Countess managed to capture me. One moment I was in my bed in the Necropolis, the next…. Well you know the rest…. Here we are at last, the Cairn Stones. It seems that we are not alone."

There were fallen as far as the eye can see, there must have been hundreds of them. Many of them were shouting 'betrayer' in their native language. A familiar fallen stared at Steve with anticipation. There were dozens of larger fallens, presumably the shamans amongst the legion of fallen. At the very centre of this formation stood a lone fallen wielding a dazzling scimitar that was identical to Perv's lightsabre in all but one aspect. Its blade was a sickly yellow, whilst Perv's was a clear blue.

Steve looked wistfully at the small piece of bread that he was eating and realized that he might never have the chance to finish it. He glanced at the rogues and saw looks of resignation on their faces.

"Rakanishu!" As one, the mass of fallen charged at the mismatched group. The presence of their leader has made the cowardly midgets almost fearless. Steve knew he could outrun the demons, he was reluctant to leave the girls behind to die. In an uncharacteristic display of valor, Steve placed himself in front of the rogues.

Rayna and Amplissa immediately sprang into action. Hails of arrows rained upon the demons, killing many of them. "Go for their leader!" Tristan instructed. However, that tactic proved ineffective as Rakanishu simply dodged every single arrow with an expression of contempt.

The charge was momentarily held at bay by the combined efforts of the men and Pulp.

Pulp was especially effective. Under Steve's frantic advising, he had formed a clever strategy. Anytime a fallen would venture near, he would simply pick it up and use it as a

devastating missile against the other fallen. Finding the front of the party too well protected by Pulp, the mob attacked from the rear, only to meet the blades of Tristan and Perv. The two worked rather well together, and the enemy was hard pressed to find any opening. Suddenly, the fallens stopped their advance to allow their master to come to the fore.

Combat came to a standstill as Rakanishu and Perv regarded each other. Wordlessly, Perv lunged with his saber. Rakanishu had anticipated this. Spinning on one heel, he twisted about and brought his own weapon down, seeking to sever his opponent's outstretched hand. However, Perv was himself well-versed with swordplay. He instantly retracted his hand and jumped back.

The spell was broken, and chaotic battle resumed all round the field. But it proved to be a stalemate. Every fallen that was slain would rise again, courtesy of their shamans who stood well out of bow range. With their supply of arrows diminishing, and fatigue setting in, the demons' victory seemed only a matter of time.

"Steve, activate the Stones! Hurry!" Tristan shouted.

Steve wondered if the noble paladin had finally lost his mind. It was all he could do to avoid the nasty critters from stabbing him to death, while occasionally landing the odd kick here and there. Here, one must realize that Steve was a true veteran of desperate situations. Sometimes, the mind could come up with ingenious ways to save itself.

Now was such a time. Steve saw Pulp took yet another unfortunate fallen and hurl it at his comrades who could only stare helplessly as they all get smashed to a bloody pulp.

It then occurred to him how to escape their current predicament. He quickly moved beside his golem and whispered his 'brilliant' plan.

Pulp obediently carried his master and fling him high into the air. As Steve was flying through the air, he began to question his solution. Thankfully, the lush grass broke his fall somewhat and he was more or less whole. Picking himself up, he saw that Pulp had propelled him a good fifty feet. Severely bruised, he was still delighted to find the Cairn Stones in front of him. He quickly muttered the incantations and touched the Stones in the order described on the Inifuss Scroll…. Nothing happened.

His golem however, knew nothing of this and dutifully followed Steve's order. Companion after surprised companion were given the momentary ability of flight which ended rather painfully for them. Rakanishu was rather surprised to find his hated enemy suddenly soaring into the sky. He was a gifted demon and immediately knew their intentions.

The fallens in between the Cairn Stones and Pulp looked at the golem uneasily. Some of the more perceptive ones realized that Pulp was no longer guarding anything. Pulp was just ripping a fallen's head off when his master bid him to come to the Stones. With the head still in his hand, he literally ran through the numerous midgets in front of him.

To their credit, they did try to stop him, but it was of course a pointless exercise. A particularly foolish fallen tried to use his body to block Pulp's charge. He ended up in some treetop thirty feet away and quite dead, not to mention unrecognizable.

The legion of demons were still confident of victory, for with the help of their shamans, they could never truly die. The humans though will tire and so they will rather enjoy murdering them.

"Good idea Steve, but you could have at least warned us!"

"Perv! The portal's not working!"

The moment he uttered that last sentence, there was a tremor and a roaring sound, the kind you get just before a terrible storm. The demons paused in their advance. A second later, a portal of shimmering blue materialized in the midst of the party, causing Steve to disappear. Bolts of power erupted from all around the Cairn Stones, similar to the ones released when Blood Raven died. They proved lethal to the demons causing them to simply disintegrate. In the aftermath, not a single demon survived. Not even their bodies remained.

"Where's our companions Perv and Steve?"

"I think Steve went through the portal to Tristram and Perv…"

Several feet away from them, Perv lay dying. The magic behind the Stones annihilate demons without any regard to their alignment. "Cursed with a conscience…" Perv managed. "Nay my friend, blessed." Perv grinned at the Paladin's words and slipped into death's embrace. Like his brethren his body also disintegrated upon death. The paladin now understood that he had let his prejudice cloud his judgment of the demon.

Tristran caught movement out of the corner of his eyes and realized that it was the fallen shamans trying to escape. Picking up Perv's lightsabre, as he liked to call it, he told the girls, "Go with Steve my friends. Go with the Light. I have a score to settle."

"Uh.. Okay. Good luck." Amplissa replied.

Rayna loved it when the paladin talked holy, it made her feel even more excited (read: horny) than she usually was. That was not to say that she did not feel sorry for their demonic companion. Its just that they could do nothing more for him.

* * *

Entering any magical portal was always an disorienting experience. One moment, you're here, the next you're in some sort of directionless limbo, and the next, you're at your destination. Generally, a welcoming committee of bloodthirsty goat-demons (or goatmen as they are often called) did little for comfort.

They were just in time to see a goatman score a slash across Steve's chest. It was just as well that their unlikely hero remembered to wear some armor on this venture. The goatman was quite skilled with his broadsword and showed much finesse in wielding it. Pulp however, having a certain lack of finesse simply leapt the ten feet separating them and brought both arms down on the goatman's head. The demon never knew what hit him.

Steve was a man of priorities. He knew precisely which task was important and which were not. Not wasting time on speech, he hurriedly took out a piece of half-eaten bread and muched on it. Apparently, the fates were against him, as emerging from just around a dilapidated hut was a trio of skeletons.

Though Pulp seemed invulnerable, he was actually upon the verge of death. His once smooth 'hide' was now marred with numerous cuts and slashes. Large portions of his body were missing. The amulet which must be its essence could be clearly seen now through the hole in its chest.

Nevertheless, he had no choice but to summon it to fight for him once more. The skeletons however, were surprisingly agile and tough, matching the golem blow for blow, evading the mighty fists deftly at times. With no arrows left, the rogues were forced to resort to melee.

Steve wondered where the hell was Tristan and Perv, but did not voice it out, since he was currently preoccupied with staying alive. Rayna gave the skeleton nearest her a good kick in the groin and was rewarded with a sharp pain in her shin. The skeleton ignored the attack completely and replied with a riposte that nearly took her head off had she not ducked in time. Steve advised his golem to take a different approach.

Pulp grabbed an undead leg and used the skeleton as an unorthodox flail. From there, the skirmish was quickly over. Piles of fragmented bones litter the muddy ground. Amplissa gave Pulp a big hug which she instantly regretted when the giant tried to return it. After almost choking the girl to death, Pulp tried this new greeting it has learned on his master.

"Get off me you pile of mud!"


	8. Steve and Goliath

Having dealt with the immediate threat, the companions took a while to survey their surroundings. Tristram may once have been a bustling village, but it is a haven of death now. As far as the eye can see, there was nothing but razed hovels and thoroughly decomposed corpses. The stench of death was a spear that seemed almost physical to the nose.

A nearby corpse caught Amplissa's attention. "Poor kid… His body is still warm. He must have died recently. If only we had come earlier." She bent down to stroke the hair of the peg-legged boy. Rayna, being a pragmatic sort, immediately set about the task of unscrewing the boy's wooden leg. She figured that it may come in handy as a club should the need arise. Amplissa frowned at her friend's actions, but Rayna only gave an innocent shrug in response.

Meanwhile, Steve was busy thinking what in the Abyss he was doing here. A large hand tapped his shoulder. "Not now Pulp, can't you see I'm thinking you idiot!" The hand however seemed insistent and had moved towards his neck. Turning around to reprimand his wayward guardian, he found himself facing a hulking zombie. The zombie courteously greeted him by giving him a friendly nudge. Steve flew a good twelve feet before crash landing on the hard ground.

A moment later, something heavy joined him in the dirt. Steve was shocked to see his trusty sidekick lie unmoving beside him. Growing angry in spite of himself, he tackled the lumbering giant head on. Steve's lanky frame crashed against his opponent's massive one. The creature formerly known as Griswold hardly registered the annoyance. In response, he punched Steve on the midriff. Steve kissed some rocks a dozen feet away.

Wiping the blood from his mouth, Steve struggled to think. Pulp was dead and 'the guy currently wanting him dead' was too strong to kill by conventional means.

Griswold slowly lurched his meal with a single-mindedness found only in zombies and 'leaders' of very large organizations. By now, the rogues had noticed the skirmish and were rushing to Steve's aid. Unfortunately, Rayna's makeshift club and Amplissa's hurled stones did no visible damage to the big undead. Steve's mind had taken a short holiday, a condition often incurred from too much concussions. Right now, he was in a far away land munching on some potatoes, and hugging a gargantuan yellow bunny he had befriended. The bunny returned his squeeze with great enthusiasm.

Amplissa had to admit that Steve was a really brave man to be trying a bear hug on that huge thing. But she had no doubt that her friend would soon be turned to mush if no one intervened. Picking up a sharp rock, she aimed it straight at the zombie's left eye and scored! Griswold loosened his grip and stumbled backwards, where Rayna's club smashed his thick skull. Growling, he let loose a wild backhand that connected with Rayna's chest. Slightly disoriented, he moved towards Amplissa.

The friendly bunny morphed into a rather hideous thing, forcing Steve completely awake. His abdomen promptly reminded him of the abuse it had taken. But all thoughts of bunnies and stomachs left his mind when he saw the huge zombie staggering in Amplissa's direction. Seeing the girl literally petrified, Steve took a moment to curse everything that is directly or indirectly involved with bringing him into this mess, especially yellow bunnies. He then ran towards Amplissa and gave her a timely shove. As such, the fist intended for her met his chest instead.

Knocked down yet again, he had time to listen to the peaceful sounds of a nearby river flowing just a few feet away from where he was. The heavy footsteps beside him told him he didn't have much time left. Rolling back to his feet, with the river behind him and his adversary in front of him, Steve decided to make one last insane attempt. Predictably, the zombie lashed out with its right hand. Instead of dodging, Steve sidestepped and pulled its hand, using its own momentum to bring it to an inch of the river.

Balancing precariously on one leg, Griswold stubbornly refused to enter the swift flowing river, until Steve returned the friendly nudge the zombie gave him earlier… Griswold swam like a brick and was soon gone.

The two girls gave boisterous shouts of congratulations to Steve who was having the delusion of fending off yellow bunnies and purple monsters. However, Rayna's hug quickly brought him to attention. Her chest crushed against his face and for an uncomfortable moment, he thought he had escaped the zombie only to be killed by Rayna's bosom. As his face was just turning blue, Rayna released him. Thankfully, Amplissa's pat on the shoulder was quite tame and resulted in no major injury. Still, Steve felt devastated by the loss of Pulp. He walked around and surveyed the area where he had last seen his clay comrade. Alas, he was still not moving. The now visible amulet was glowing though. Before he could think on the significance of that, a sinister voice greeted him. "Stay a while and listen!"

The owner of the voice happened to be an old wizened man wearing a baggy blue garment that looked suspiciously like a dress. Steve wondered if the old man was a crazy cross-dresser. The loony wasted no time in regaling the battered heroes with his stories.

"Wait, did you say your name was Cain sir?" Amplissa asked. "Of course! Now where was I? Yes the Horadrim, they were my ancestors! Did I tell you that I was the last of them? Speaking of which…" For the first time, the mad man paused to draw a breath. Rayna promptly seized the opportunity to hit him on the head with a rock. She gave Amplissa and Steve an innocent smile.

"You know, you're scary sometimes. Beautiful, but scary." Steve had made the grievous mistake of calling Rayna beautiful. It took quite a while to extract Steve from the vice-like grip of Rayna. That task done, Amplissa hastily opened a portal back to town, before anything else could happen.

Steve panicked when he awoke. He was on a bed in a large tent with a male demon. "Argh demon!" With no weapon nearby, he swung a pillow at the vile creature's head, where it broke, making a shower of feathers. "No demon here outlander!" The demon spoke severely, hands on its broad hips. "Argh woman!" Steve screamed at Rayna. In time, Kasha and Rayna realized that he had lost his memory. Rayna walked over to the yelling man and chopped him on the neck, causing him to slump over. Kasha looked disapprovingly at Rayna. But it was hard to maintain an imposing visage with white fluffy feathers all over your body, so Rayna just stuck a tongue at her and skipped gaily out of the tent. "That girl needs more latrine duty." Kasha told the comatose form of Steve which remained rudely silent.

And somewhere in the rogue encampment, a mangled form made of clay twitched.


	9. Teeth

Steve awoke to find a voluptuous woman standing guard over him. She seemed familiar somehow. "Do you remember me?" The woman asked. Steve gave her a blank look. Something hit him on the head. "How about now?" Steve decided to bide for time. "I think you are a woman." The woman gave a playful smile. Another hit on his head sent him into the darkness.

An indeterminable length of time later, Steve awoke with memories of a strange woman beating him with a trout. Not recognizing the area he was in, he made a mad dash out of the dwelling. Once outside, he realized that he was in some sort of fortified village of sorts. Not wasting time, he ran out of the encampment, into the night. Steve did not notice that his footsteps were being echoed.

* * *

"I have no idea where he went priestess. His golem was missing too… Poor Steve, I wonder where he is now." Amplissa sighed. Akara's stern face softened. She knew that at heart Amplissa was just an innocent little girl, despite being nineteen summers old. "Very well… Though your tale of him slaying the former blacksmith of Tristram is incredulous, you have brought me my Cain… I mean our Cain, the storyteller Cain back. Yes, Cain the storyteller. Here's your reward. This ring was given to me by ahh… someone you probably don't know. Now go! Cain and I have some catching up to do… Strictly personal… I mean strictly business. Away with you!"

Amplissa wore the ring around her index finger and pranced about admiring the way it reflects light. The azure ornament radiate an aura of coldness, which was oddly pleasant. She was about to reenter Akara's tent to give her thanks for such a magnificent gift but was stopped short by some muffled sounds inside. The priestess had told her before dismissing her that any weird sounds that emanated from her quarters meant that she was hard at work casting spells. "Mmm that felt good! Cain you naughty boy!" Amplissa scratched her head. "Must have been a really good spell they are casting," though she had no idea how a spell could be considered naughty.

Rayna was terminally bored. Her wonderful paladin which was her primary eye candy was nowhere in sight. Even Steve was gone though no one could even begin to guess where their eccentric hero was going, if he actually had a destination in mind and not just wandering the countryside. Amplissa who was beside her humming a discordant tune had shown her the pretty ring, but Rayna allowed her to keep it. She had always thought of Lisa as her sister. With nothing to occupy her, her mind drifted towards thinking about her favourite subject. The paladin Tristan would surely have died from shock if he were to learn about Rayna's fantasies. "Poor Steve. I hope he's alright…" Amplissa lamented for the tenth time.

Meanwhile, Steve was having a great time. He had spent almost an entire day without someone trying to kill him. He had also acquired some mushrooms along the way which he had wisely stored inside his improvised bag made of a stick and some cloth.

He had no idea where he was nor any clue about which direction he was traveling.

Which was perfectly fine with him. He couldn't care less. As long as he was traveling away from those frightening bow-wielding female warriors, he was contented. A sliver of doubt entered his thoughts but he brushed it away. After all, the warrior whose name he had forgotten assured him that there would be no more demons before he forced the pointy red thing into his head. Not a very smart thing to do of course, but then again these hero types were all insane.

Something tapped his shoulders. Whirling around whilst simultaneously screaming 'Flee you fool I'm a mighty sorcerer!' in a dozen languages, he was amazed to see the earthy creature so close to him. For a change, Steve felt strangely comforted by the clay entity. Several veins in his legendary (legendary because like all legends its existence is questionable) brain twitched and a brief spasm wrecked his body. Blood trickled down his nose. He could suddenly remember that this thing was actually his guardian, though he was unsure how he had acquired it.

Pulp placed a hand on his master's shoulder. A turquoise glow enveloped both of them. A ripple of azure mist flowed from master to servant. The soil around Pulp's feet seemed to liquidize and defying common sense, made its way up to Pulp's chest, solidifying when it reached those places in Pulp's frame where he had sustained the most damage. In an artificial heartbeat, Pulp was completely healed. The beautiful colours subsided.

Steve felt drained by the experience, as if a part of his strength was lost. But it was not physical strength, for he felt quite vigorous. No, it was something infinitely more subtle. Not understanding any of it, he shrugged. Steve then noticed something in the golem's other hand. It seemed to be a tome of sorts. Pulp handed it over and made it clear that Steve should take it.

"Hmm… The Compiled Works Of Perv… Topics include: Necromancy, Demonologics, The joy of self-torture and advanced mathematics…" Steve wasn't convinced that learning more about the romantic side of necks was useful and it was only logical that demons were never logical. He had never heard about this so called 'mathematics' before, but it doesn't sound too good especially since it seemed to be related to self-torture. Maybe it had something to do with madder side of magic. This Perv was probably someone with too much time on his hands.

Sitting under a slender pine tree, he flipped to the first page. A highlighted passage captured his gaze. 'Only one with immense natural flair is able to perform even a simple necromantic spell, for it takes discipline to weave the magics. The first spell the acolytes of Rathma are taught is the Teeth Of Tragoul.' The rest of the text describes the long hours of study and meditation required to prepare for this spell until mastery was attained. The actual process was explained in detail near the end.

Steve threw the book away on the general principle that summoning weird characters with unpronounceable names was a sure way to end one's life. He felt much better after having done that. The golem managed to convey a look of reproof at his actions. That was quite a feat considering that it had no face.

It was at this point that Steve's keen survival instincts came to his rescue. Feeling the whisper of a wind to his neck, he leapt forward. Pulp grabbed his master before he could fall and punched the air that had attacked him. The concealed wraiths revealed themselves. There were about a dozen of them, each one barely visible unless one strained one's eyes. Pulp started with an overhead chop of his hand, but these opponents were extremely agile and could shift their forms at will.

One of them passed its ethereal claws through Steve's chest. The effect was immediate. He felt both his spirit and lifeforce ebbing away. Seeing that Pulp could not protect him from all of them, Steve decided to run away. Of course, his feet had already made that decision long ago, his mind was just doing the formality. Somehow, two of the mist-like entities had pursued him and he was left to his own devices. Pulp was just too far away to offer any real assistance. Remembering Tragoul, he thought he had nothing to lose by trying. He muttered the brief incantation he read in the tome.

The real world disappeared! In its place, was a cavernous room. It was mostly empty except for two chairs and a table. Steve was sitting in one of those said chairs. The other was occupied by a large bipedal being. It was hard to see its features but Steve guessed that it was Tragoul, from its shirt which proudly proclaimed 'I love Tragoul'.

"It makes me seem less intimidating." It said in a booming voice. Steve sighed. So this was hell, stuck for eternity in an empty place with a mad lizard for company. The lizard thing made a gagging sound. "No you're not dead yet. I am not a mad lizard! And yes I know who you are and why you're here. The incantation serves only to bring you here. I will now infuse you with the knowledge to cast the teeth spell because you amuse me greatly mortal. Lastly, no those teeth are NOT my real teeth." A plethora of images and concepts entered Steve's mind, leaving him breathless. The lizard thing made a dismissive gesture and the room dissipated.

Reality came rushing back to Steve's senses. It was a testament to his ability that his legs had kept on running and evading the wraiths even as he had his little chat with Tragoul. Somehow, his legs did not need the help of his eyes to see. At any rate, the wraiths were still just a few feet away behind him. A wraith suddenly appeared in front of him. He tried to shield himself with his hands, but what emerged was a dozen trails of teeth-like projectiles. The undead cried in anguish before fading to dust. The wraiths chasing him were distracted from the raw burst of magic and thus fell prey to Pulp's spectacular dive. Nothing remained of them, not even dust.

Steve hastily glanced about but it was clear that Pulp had successfully dispatched the rest of the floating things. The golem had even retrieved his book for him. However, Steve did not quite like the smug expression on Pulp's face. He let loose a generous string of expletives at no one in particular. A slight reddish taint appeared on every plant around him. At this point, Steve thought that running was a good idea.

The huge building in the distant horizon seemed to be a good place to go. After all, everyone knew that monasteries were holy places.


End file.
